It's not yet 9:00 on a Wednesday morning. I'm sitting on the edge of a rock on the edge of Utica Reservoir on the edge of Calaveras County. I've been paddling around the lake for the past couple hours. These are some of the things have been comng in to my mind.
I paddle down these coves and inlets alone. No one has been down here yet today, maybe not this week or this month. I am all alone. What I see is the beauty of the rocks and trees. I have missed this image these past few weeks. I live amongst the rocks and trees and sometimes I dont see them. I look closer and see at the edge of the water and the rocks and trees there are more rocks and trees. Is it a mirage or a mirror image? Everything is perfect before I get there. I come along and cause a few ripples and one of the images is disturbed. Is it the reflection or is it reality?
Sometimes maybe you need to slow down enough to see the reflection in order to see wht is real. I've been missing that lately.
Why have I been missing that? I really enjoy seeing the whole picture. Up in the mountains, if you take a little time you can see a long long ways, and you can see whats right in front of you. Things are usually slower up here.
Some people have been moving and enjoying the fast life for so long they can not slow down or do not like slowing down. I sometimes feel sorry for them. But on the other hand if you find your self going too slow you need to cause a few ripples to identify which is real and which is a mirage.
These past few weeks have been fast and troublesome for me and a lot of other mountain thinking people.
My worries have been, mostly in order of occurance;
- It's the end of ski season, am I going to be re hired?
- Am I going to enjoy working at the Lodge as much as I enjoyed working at the mountain?
- Why am I the only one not laid off when the entire summer staff has been let go this year?
- I miss my wife and my friends from the fast life. Do they remember me?
- My son and granddaughter have a life of their own. Am I a part of it anymore? I am happy for them. I miss them
- My wife discovered a lump in her leg. MRI and Catscan are inconclusive.
- Am I being a bad husband by not being there for my wife on a daily basis? This s hard for me, how hard is it for her? I'm not there. I don't know.
- My daughter is moving on. From her home for the past 10 years, San Diego to Los Angeles. I am not there to help. She is a big girl but still my little girl. I am proud of her.
- Initial surgery removed the mass from Nancy's leg. Does it have a name? is it benign or malignant?
- I was swarmed on by wasps or yellowjackets or hornets, while working on a side job. It hurt but it woke me up. I'm not dead yet. It is good to feel again.
- The mass in Nancy's leg, a Myxoid Sarcoma is Malignant. More surgery for my wife. I sit by helplessly. Go back to work at a unsatisfactory job (making beds, cleaning bathrooms) but at a pleasing future, (working at Bear Valley ski resort)...
- My wife, rather than sitting around feeling sorry for herself and mad at me fo not being there with her, convinces me to take one of my off days and go camp and paddle on the water to help ease my mind. She is beautiful.
I see reflections and wonder which is the real image, the one I cause ripples in or the one that remains beautiful regardess of what passes.
I don't have many more answers, but i feel much better. I miss the slow life of no worries and spending time on the water. I miss my wife.
I love you hon.
The news as of this afternoon is the pathology report says no cancer cells found in marginal tissue. Yeah! heal from surgery and talk w Dr. ASAP
The news as of this afternoon is the pathology report says no cancer cells found in marginal tissue. Yeah! heal from surgery and talk w Dr. ASAP
